Cover Letter: Inner Voice of the Unemployed

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am going to assume, based on my research into the matter, that this email is going an anonymous garbage dump of resumes in the black hole of webspace never to be read, but, if for some reason I'm wrong, I apologize in advance for the honesty. I was told by the experts on the internet to never lose hope when applying for a new position, so I'm going to continue this letter as if a human is actually reading it. I personally believe that "hope" is just a euphemism for "delusion" but that's neither here nor there.

I graduated from UCLA two years ago with a bachelor's degree in History and since then I have somehow stumbled upon two office jobs in the financial services industry. I am fine with this industry, but it isn't my favorite. Since my firm has been eliminated from existence, I'm using this opportunity to get my foot in the door of new industries I might like better, such as with your firm.

You might be looking to hear about how I revolutionized my company and enabled the firm to out-invest Warren Buffet. Unfortunately, during my short accidental stint in the financial services industry, the market crashed, the S&P 500 bottomed out at 666, and most of America lost 40% of their net worth. I would like to point out at this time that I had very little to do with this worldwide economic catastrophe. Though my participation seems passive and my leadership weak, I assure you that I follow all instructions and can complete most tasks efficiently given proper guidelines, unless it's something really boring that would be better suited to someone uneducated. I do this while simultaneously reading gossip and food blogs. Sometimes I even read two blogs at once, so multiple concurrent projects obviously do not phase me in the least.

Although I have no experience working in the industry of your firm, I have many transferable skills. I believe that all office jobs are the same based on the fact that everyone I know spends the work day talking to me on Google Talk regardless of their position functions, and I have contended for years that anyone can do anything. Additionally, I have 24 years of experience communicating with other humans in the English language, so I can probably continue to do so at your firm. Like most people under age 70, I have been using computers since 1995, and being that I found this position on the internet and am sending this letter via email, you can assume I am proficient with modern technology. If you were wondering about my ability to answer phones, I can do that as well. Listen to my voicemail message, it is very professional. Yes, that means you'll probably have to call me in regards to my application to this position.

Despite never having heard of your company, nor having any real interest in working for you beyond the simple fact that it would put me into the "employed" category, I would very much appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications and your needs. I hate job searching, so you should know that I would be committed for the long term. Even though your salary range as advertised would be a downgrade for me to the point where I may not be able to survive in Los Angeles without becoming an awkward stripper (I'm very entrepreneurial), I would still appreciate a call so that I know there is a small chance that someone might hire me. You can reach me any time at the number on my resume, but please do not call after 8:00pm because I will probably no longer be sober. Thank you for your consideration, unless of course there was none, in which case, I hope you get a fashionably late case of the swine flu.

J.Laz